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Is it possible to give too much? To love too much? To be too nice?
Let me read you a recent excerpt from my journal: "This whole week I have felt like I give and do everything for all the people in my life. I love so deeply and do so much - all for people who give the bare minimum back. Who is going to take care of me if I am taking care of everyone else?"
Sound familiar? Does that feeling resonate with you? If so, you may be guilty of overgiving.
Why do we overgive?
I don't know why YOU overgive, but I'll tell you why I do it. Because I fucking love people.
I went a lot of my life not having my needs met. Not having money for lunch and wanting so desperately for a friend to offer up some food they didn't want. Not having people who were good listeners for when I needed to talk. Not having good advice for when I was in shitty situations. And I never want anyone to experience the lack that I have faced in life.
And so I give my all. Always going out of my way to support my friends through emotional breakdowns. Showering romantic partners with love and compliments. Giving clients well beyond what they paid for. Spending my last $20 to support a local artist that's struggling.
I do this because I want others to do the same for me.
And let me tell you, over-giving got me nowhere. In fact, it left me in poverty, with chronic stress burnouts, frequent health problems, unmet goals, loads of resentment, and a resounding feeling of loneliness despite having a whole lot of awesome friends.
People who overgive are kind, empathetic souls with some weak ass boundaries.
If you are a woman (or were raised as a girl before gender transition), you were taught by society to give, give, give beyond your limits before even thinking about receiving. This is just my personal observation, but women tend to overgive simply because that is what we are taught to do.
There are many reasons for overgiving, ponder on what yours might be.
Okay, but when does giving become too much?
It becomes too much when you are having a mental breakdown about the fact that you are loving everyone around you so much but you don't have anyone that will do the same for you.
Here are some common, practical signs that you're over giving:
You feel resentful.
You feel like you are the last good person on earth and "why can't I just find someone who's as loving as me?" and when you do find them, they are usually clingy and weird.
You feel drained and burnt out. You literally have no energy because you gave it all away.
You don't feel appreciated.
You feel this strange sense of loneliness despite the amount of loved ones you have.
Here are some woo woo spiritual signs that you're overgiving:
1. You barely have enough money to get by or get yourself nice things, but you always "find" money to gift to other people (low root chakra energy)
2. You feel blocked creatively and sexually. You feel like focusing on your hobbies is low on the list of priorities. You might feel sexually disturbed and unattracted to others due to overgiving in the bedroom without it being reciprocated (low sacral chakra energy).
3. You feel drained, unfocused, and unmotivated when it comes to your own goals. You're generally tired but still make time to support your loved one's goals and businesses (low solar plexus chakra energy)
4. You feel like you are lacking loving, mutually reciprocal relationships and friendships in general (low heart chakra energy)
5. You feel like you are there for everyone else, but no one listens/cares for you (low throat chakra energy)
6. You feel spiritually burnt out and are suffering from compassion fatigue. You see red flags and choose to ignore them (low third eye chakra energy)
7. You study up on the problems of other people hoping to help them find solutions. Researching their mental/physical health issues, astrological charts, watching online tarot readings to figure them out, and searching for advice articles hoping to know them better even though they are not doing the same thing for you and YOU are not doing the same thing for yourself (low crown chakra energy)
8. You feel like your aura and chakras are all generally low on energy.
9. You feel "lack" in multiple areas of life.
Examples of overgiving
- underpricing your services
- giving advice constantly
- listening to someone's problems when you aren't feeling good yourself
- saying "yes" everytime someone asks you a favor, even if you're already feeling drained or want to say no
- putting the needs of your partner/mother/father/sister/brother/friend before your own needs
- draining your bank account to support other people or give gifts, even if it means you can't afford the things you need.
- generally being the one providing more time/money/love/support in any relationship you have. Giving and receiving should ebb and flow in relationships, but it should always be balanced. Some days you give more, other days the other person gives more. If you're the one doing all the giving, stop.
Overgiving from a psychic medium's perspective
When someone gives too much, they are literally draining their energy. I see the light from their aura and energy from their chakras draining away from them and being poured towards whichever person or situation they are giving too much of their energy to.
Imagine a flame slowly losing oxygen and burning out. That is kind of how it appears to me when I clairvoyantly see a person's energy being drained from overgiving. It gets duller and duller - leaving the person feeling tired, resentful, unappreciated, burnt out, and just plain old sad.
Whereas a generous person who gives from a healthy place has a complete overflow of energy. All of their needs are met, they are happy, they are loving - so much that it overflows towards other people.
An overflow of energy happens when all of your needs are met and you have healthy relationships with mutual love pouring into each other to create more abundance. Healthy relationships with anything, not just other humans.
How to avoid overgiving
Step 1: Admit that you are an overgiver. "Hi, my name is _, and I'm an overgiver". By simply acknowledging the problem, you will become much more aware of when/where you give too much. Then you can adjust how much you give accordingly.
Step 2: Get comfortable saying the word "no" without having to lie about why you're saying no.
Your friend wants you to babysit their kids for free when you've already had a rough week at work? Instead of saying yes, say "I'm sorry, I am feeling really drained right now and I need to rest and take care of myself. I am in no place to watch kids right now." Maybe you aren't even feeling tired - you simply don't want to do it. You can say "I am sorry, but not this time". You don't need to explain yourself.
Anyone who gets mad at you for saying no to their favors isn't your friend. They're just using you.
I once was best friends with a chronic complainer. Every single day she came to me with a laundry list of complaints "I am ugly, I need relationship advice for my boyfriend who I hate but refuse to leave, I am so unhealthy despite not doing anything for my health". She would complain to me with the intention that I would give her reassurance, advice, and shower her in compliments. Every. Single. Day. For years. And I would do it, because I thought that's what friends were for. But her behavior was very unhealthy, and I was chronically drained in that friendship. Doing so much for her that I didn't even do for myself, and she didn't do for me.
So one day, I stopped. She would complain and I would just nod my head and not say anything. Or I would say "I'm sorry, I am not in the correct mindset to talk about this right now". On days that I felt I had enough energy to give, I tried explaining to her in the kindest way possible that this behavior is unhealthy. And that I was more than willing to support her with making the healthy changes needed to improve the things she was complaining about, but I could no longer listen to the complaining every single day.
Guess what happened next? She ghosted me and threw dirt on my name to every person I knew. I lost three would-have-been lifelong friends that year.
Anyone who gets mad at you for establishing healthy boundaries in the relationship is not your friend. They were just using you.
And it doesn't matter how long you knew the person! It could be family you've known your entire life. In my case, an 11 year friendship I've known since we were 5. Once you establish healthy boundaries in your relationships, be prepared to lose some people who were using you.
Lying about why you can't give isn't cool either. I have a great friend who is notorious for making up excuses when he doesn't want to do something. "Hey Sean, want to hangout later". Sean says "Oh I can't, I promised my grandma I'd take her shopping" as he then stays inside playing his video games and enjoying his alone time. There's nothing wrong with saying no, especially if you just don't want to do something - genuine friends prefer you to just say no instead of lying or saying yes and then feeling resentful.
Step 3: Don't give away what you're already running low on.
If you're already low on cash, don't offer to pay for things that aren't yours or give extravagant gifts.
If you're low on freetime, don't give it away to activities you don't want to do.
If you have a limited emotional bandwidth, don't give it away to relationships that don't give equal energy back to you.
Step 4: You shouldn't go tick for tack, but be aware of the general balance of give and take in your life.
If you feel like you're putting much more energy into a relationship than you are receiving, pull your energy back. Obviously there will be times in relationships you need to give more and times you receive more. But generally speaking, the scales should be balanced. You can tell that you're giving too much if a relationship leaves you feeling drained or confused.
Likewise, if you feel like you're doing a lot of work and not being paid accordingly, raise your prices or leave your job. People who feel drained by their job are often times giving too much in that area without being paid accordingly.
When it's okay to give
You should always give from a place of abundance.
For example, if you have tons of disposable income, it's okay to give some away to charity and buy gifts for loved ones. If you don't have huge amounts of extra money laying around, well, in the words of my mother "I don't give to charity because I AM the charity" (she said this during tough financial times).
If you have tons of spare time and are a little bored, then it's okay to give some of your time to friends in need. If you barely have time to yourself, stop saying "yes" to time-consuming favors.
If you have spare bedrooms that aren't in use, sure, let your vagabond friend crash there if you want. If you're already in cramped quarters and enjoy privacy, say no!
Overgiving can actually be annoying to other people & can ruin relationships
If I genuinely need help, I'm always going to ask for it. Because people who refuse help when they really need it are isolated weirdos who make things harder for themselves.
However, I ask for help under the assumption that a person will say NO if they don't want to or cannot.
So when someone says YES to helping me out, talking, or spending quality time with me when they really don't want to - I would feel betrayed! Why say yes if it's going to build resentment?! And y'all, don't feel attacked, because I myself am an overgiver and am totally guilty of doing this.
I used to help others to the point where I would have so much resentment towards them and boil over causing an argument - an argument that the other person HARDLY expected.
An overgiver + a needy person is a disaster waiting to happen, trust me. If a person makes you feel bad for saying no, they are trying to use you.
Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Say no when you don't want to do something. Relationships are supposed to be a genuine, mutual exchange of love and kindness.
Learn how to receive gracefully
Not only from other people, but from the Universe as a whole.
The next time someone gives you a compliment, instead of saying "oh, that's not true" say "THANK YOU".
Next time someone offers to bring you soup when you're sick, instead of saying "no, I'll be okay, don't go to all that trouble", say "Wow, that is so kind of you. I would absolutely love that".
When you're going through a rough time and someone offers to listen to you, instead of saying "no, I don't want to burden you", just open the fuck up to them and let them help.
When you say no to receiving, you are denying someone else the joy of giving
I used to to date an overgiver who did not know how to receive. All of my loving attempts to help them, talk to them, and love them were rejected. And I was left feeling very confused and pushed out. So naturally, things didn't work out. I had all this love to give and nowhere to put it, and so I put it elsewhere. We drifted apart. Like we stated previously, giving too much and not knowing how to receive can, and frequently does, ruin relationships.
If you aren't giving and receiving equally, you have an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship. Or career. Or situation in general.
The key to aligning into the flow of divine abundance and prosperity that life wants to offer every single soul here on Earth is to go on the middle path. Give and receive equally. See the darkness and light equally. Be divine feminine and masculine equally. Live a balanced life and prosperity will follow.
Good luck and namaste,
Laura
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