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What is breadcrumbing?
When someone ghosts you, they completely stop talking to you out of the blue. No goodbyes, no explanation. But at least if you are ghosted, you have the closure knowing that that person is uninterested in you.
Breadcrumbing on the other hand, is the evil twin of ghosting. Instead of completely falling off the face of the earth, the person you are interested in will give you the absolute bare minimum amount of attention required in order to keep you hooked on them. Never enough to create a full-fledged connection, but still something to keep your hopes up.
Breadcrumbing is something that a lot of emotionally unavailable narcissists do. I'd like to think that the majority of people who do this are acting unintentionally, but there are certainly people who do this on purpose.
Breadcrumbing is a tactic used in both romantic situationship as well as friendships. It is important to know the signs so you can get out of there!
Signs of breadcrumbing
If you think you are being breadcrumbed by someone, here are some common signs to look out for.
1. They are hot and cold. Inconsistent with communication. For a few days, they might be texting you 24/7, talking about future plans with you, making you feel all warm inside. And then for the rest of the week they are basically a ghost - leaving you feeling confused and wanting more.
Ironically, people who breadcrumb seem to have a special skill of knowing just about when you've had enough of their inconsistency and will choose that exact moment to be warm with you again, furthering your confusion and repeating the cycle.
The reason why inconsistency in communication is so bad is because it prevents you from creating a healthy foundation. When you can expect emotional and communicative consistency with someone, it allows you to trust them more and let your walls down. Inconsistency is the enemy of intimacy. When there is inconsistencies in communication, both parties may have a hard time truly relaxing and opening up to each other.
2. A M B I G U I T Y + commitment issues
These people almost always have commitment issues. Not only will they not want to put a label on what the relationship is, but they will also be non-committal with plans. Saying things like "we'll hang out soon" or "we can commit to a relationship eventually". But their plans are always very open and ambiguous.
The way that they speak will often give the person on the receiving end hope that things will get better soon. But the lack of concrete plans for that growth will prevent any real developments from happening.
Ambiguity not only happens in dating a breadcrumber, but also in long-term relationships and friendships. We all have that one friend who says "we've got to hangout soon!", but never makes plans. Or that husband/wife that says "we'll go to that fancy dinner you want to go to eventually" without ever making concrete plans.
3. They treat you like a booty call but insist you are friends (or more)
Even if there isn't a romantic element to your relationship, this point can show up platonically as well. For example, someone may insist that you are best friends, but will always seem to prioritize other people and plans in their life, often leaving you feeling out in the cold.
Likewise, if this is a dating scenario, the person might insist that you are friends as well as lovers, or that you are building up to a relationship. Regardless of their words, if their actions feel like they are just using you - pay attention! They can say y'all are dating until they're blue in the face, but have you actually been going on dates?! Or is it always netflix and chill?
Even in long-term relationship scenarios, they might say you are their life partner, but are they acting like one? Or are they just hanging out with their friends, playing video games all night long, and ignoring you when you want to talk about your day? You might feel like they are only using you to not feel lonely.
4. They make YOU feel clingy or needy
This one is almost always present in the case of being breadcrumbed. It is natural for you, assuming that you are a securely attached individual, to expect emotional intimacy, consistency, trust, and depth to your connections. When someone is saying that they're giving you all those things but in reality they are leaving you empty handed, that will make you question if YOU'RE being needy or clingy. It's emotional gaslighting.
You cannot pinpoint why you want more from this connection when they keep reassuring you that you will eventually be more.
5. They'll breadcrumb you over different platforms.
They completely ignore your last text or snapchat - bonus points if your last message was anything emotional, meaningful, involved making plans, or was opening up to a deeper subject. Hours or days pass and you see them liking your instagram posts or watching your stories. They might text you back again days or weeks later, but not in response to your last message. Usually it is them changing to a lighter subject. Bonus points if it's them sending a meme or saying "wyd".
6. There is no depth in your communication.
Don't get me wrong, you might have deep conversations on occasion, usually in person where they have no choice but to not ignore you. However, it is very rare. Conversation subjects are very light. When you try to deepen the subject, you may sense an uncomfortable shift in their energy, they might quickly change the subject, or they might just flat out ignore you.
Most conversations are generic. "how are you?", "how are you", "good", "good".
Even if you try to deepen the conversation, it might not work.
You: "Well actually I had a really bad day today. My boss fired me on the spot, I am drowning in loneliness, and I can't pay any of my bills".
Their response: "Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. That sucks. Anyway, wyd?". Bonus points if they throw in an unrelated mediocre meme afterwards.
7. Every time you try to get deeper, they get further away (or just straight up ignore you)
You might have a great few days communicating with them. They seem to be warming up to you, you are in your feels, and you express yourself emotionally. For example you might say "I really like you and would love to see you more often and deepen our connection". They might throw back a generic reply like "Yeah, I like you too. Sure". And you are left feeling good, kinda. But then, they proceed to give you minimal to no communication for the following week.
Another example that could apply to a platonic situation: you might hangout with them, have a deep conversation with them and say "This has been so great! Can we make this a regular thing that we do more often". They say "Yeah, of course! Let's do this more often" and then proceed to dodge all your plans thereafter, managing to successfully avoid seeing you for months on end.
8. They'll up their game every time they sense you drifting away.
When you start to realize that this person is not consistent, doesn't commit to plans, and whose actions do not align with their words - you may begin to lose feelings for them and want to distance yourself.
People who breadcrumb have creepily accurate sixth sense for when you finally make this decision to distance yourself or walk away. Once they feel your energy drifting away, that is when they will finally be warm with you again. They will try to feed you more hope that this connection will eventually deepen. Thus creating a toxic never-ending cycle of them giving you minimal effort at the final hour, you accepting it, and the cycle repeats with you never really getting that depth and intimacy you want/need in the first place.
notice the cycle yet?
the not giving you WHAT you need/want*
Breadcrumbing examples
Being present and flirtatious in person but not over the phone/internet. Avoiding and minimizing in-person hang out sessions.
Sending memes instead of communicating.
Inconsistency in communication. For example, they'll dodge your calls all week but will respond to your stories and comment on your posts.
Only seem to be interested in sex or subjects about sex.
Texting or DMing but dodging requests to hangout.
Texting or DMing frequently but never truly having deep conversations or getting to know them.
Why do they breadcrumb you?
Now that you know the signs, let's figure out why they are breadcrumbing you.
Not all breadcrumbing is done intentionally. In fact, it's not always a bad thing either. Many of us may have even been a breadcrumbing perpetrator at some point in our lives, I know I've been there.
The good news is that not a lot of people are aware that they are even doing this. They aren't intentionally trying to lead you on and keep your hopes up. The bad news is that some people ARE doing it intentionally. The purposefully want to keep them hooked on you while they are well aware they can't give you what you want/need. These people often are narcissists who are keeping you around to fulfill their self-esteem and ego because they have not done the self-love work needed in order to figure out how to do that for themselves.
They are not prioritizing relationships right/dating/friendships right now.
This, in my opinion, is one of the biggest reasons why people may accidentally breadcrumb others. In fact, I have personally been guilty of this in my life. During certain periods of time in my life, I was super focused on my business, romantic life, and family. I did not prioritize friendships as much as I should have, and therefore I accidently breadcrumbed a few good friends. My intentions were pure for them, I loved them, but they were simply not a priority in my life at that specific time.
If you think that someone genuinely does like you, is a kind person, and has well-meaning intentions but they are STILL breadcrumbing you, this is probably the reason why. Ask yourself how the rest of their life looks. Do they have a busy work schedule? Young children that need their full attention? Big goals that get their full attention? A budding romantic relationship that has their full interest?
They are commitment-phobic or simply do not want commitment.
People who fear or don't want commitment with you are highly likely to breadcrumb. This usually happens when a person does like you enough to want you around, but they simply cannot (or aren't trying) to resolve their own resistances and fears when it comes to commitment. They may really want a relationship with you, but their fears in regards to what a committed relationship will do for them outweighs their hopes. In some instances, they may even express their own hope to overcome these commitment issues. But in the meantime, they will breadcrumb.
This point can take a darker turn if a person is well aware that they simply don't want commitment, well aware that you DO want commitment, and they are intentionally using breadcrumbing tactics to keep you around. They aren't willing to put in the emotional labor required for a committed/deep connection, but they still want the benefits of you feeding love and attention towards them. This leaves you feeling confused, used, and drained - like you're in a one-sided connection.
They use you to boost their self-esteem.
It feels good to be chased by others. It feels good to know that someone wants a deeper connection with you. It feels good to always have someone there as a back-up. Thi is perhaps one of the more selfish reasons why someone may breadcrumb you. They keep you around to boost their own self-esteem.
We've all met them. Those guys who brag about "how many chicks want my pipe". These are the losers who will try breadcrumbing you to boost their self esteem. I recommend avoiding them at all costs, as nothing good will come from this type of dynamic.
This can also show up platonically in the people who love the concept of having soooo many friends, so many people who like them, lots of popularity. They will breadcrumb you to keep you in the circle, but may not necessarily be interested enough in the connection to give you the full attention you deserve.
They don't want to feel alone.
Some people have a really hard time just enjoying their alone time. They NEED social interaction to avoid dealing with their own thoughts and mental health. Therefore, they keep a variety of people around to talk to just in case they need to battle their loneliness.
These types of people often have a hard time creating healthy, long-lasting connections due to their own mental health issues and needy, codependent approach in connections. They tend to distance themselves from you when you're busy, happy, or if they found another friend or partner to ease their loneliness. Whenever they need to talk, they are fully there, warm, and present. But if YOU need to talk, want to express your personal happiness or success, or want to hang out and create a positive memory - they are avoidant.
The old friend breadcrumber.
This is probably the most innocent of breadcrumbers. These are the people that you were once close friends with and over the years, life has led you down separate paths. It is natural for friends to eventually drift in separate directions.
The old friend breadcrumber is an old friend who may occasionally check in with you and say things like "omg, we haven't seen each other in so long. We should totally hang out in the future!" but then makes no real concrete plans.
They may not necessarily resonate with you on a close-friend level right now, but they still want to maintain friendliness with you. I view this style of breadcrumbing as perfectly acceptable. Instead of burning bridges with friends who drift apart, why not keep the air friendly just in case the friendship can be rejuvenated later down the line?
When breadcrumbing is actually good.
Not all breadcrumbing scenarios are bad, especially if both people are on page with what is going on in the connection and why breadcrumbing is happening.
Dating scenario where one or both people are commitment-phobic and it's talked about. You openly talk about commitment fears and either agree to keep the relationship where it's at or slowly work towards something more. In this scenario, both parties are in open dialogue about the commitment issue and why breadcrumbing is taking place. If both parties are working to become closer, there will be gradual concrete change over time, as opposed to a perpetuating breadcrumbing cycle that never sees real improvement.
Mutually agreed upon friends with benefits scenarios. If both parties mutually agree on a FWB dynamic, breadcrumbing is possible and likely. You may not necessarily have the deepest, most intimate relationship, but you infuse just enough attention towards each other to meet up when you need that extra lovin'.
Old friends or casual friends. These are scenarios where there are two people who aren't neccessarily the BEST of friends for whatever reason. But both parties enjoy the casualness or option of having each other there.
Long-distance connections. Long-distance friendships often times involve breadcrumbing. Keeping just enough friendliness alive in the chance that they can see each other in person again one day.
The key to healthy breadcrumbing is that it's MUTUALLY AGREED UPON. Either both people are breadcrumbing each other or the dynamic is talked about and agreed upon.
What to do if you are being breadcrumbed, step by step.
First things first, you have to admit that you are a victim of breadcrumbing.
Step #1 Work on your self-esteem and focus on YOU, not them. I have been breadcrumbed by both an intentional narcissist and a well-meaning commitment-phobe. In both instances, the key point in shifting the connection was found in my own self-love.
Instead of waiting around for them to reply to you and feeling really low and confused when they are in their "cold" phase, focus on bettering YOUR life. Whenever you find yourself worried about this connection, literally just distract yourself with healthy distractions.
Healthy distractions like hanging out with your friends, working on your hobby or project, hitting the gym, reaching your goals, engaging in community activities, calling your grandmother, etc.
Through the course of me using healthy distractions to get my mind off of these breadcrumbers, eventually they realized my worth and tried coming back into my life. Unfortunately for the narcissist, by the time that happened, I had already created such a full life for myself that I was simply too busy to entertain a "maybe, possibly, someday" connection. And for the well-meaning commitment phobe, I no longer needed that connection or put pressure on them. I was able to give them the space they needed to grow away from their fears without letting the process be tormenting for me.
Step #2 Establish healthy boundaries and communicate them. If your breadcrumber is extremely flaky when it comes to plans, let them know that it is NOT okay. Cancelling once due to an unforeseen event or illness is one thing. But making it a habit is another. Let them know that cancelling on you makes you feel like your time is being disrespected. Let them know that you will begin to avoid future plans with them if they cannot commit and follow through with scheduled events. It's really important to communicate this to them because like we said previously, many people are not aware that they are breadcrumbing.
Another boundary with them is that you will not keep engaging in the connection without concrete actions that back up their words. For example, if they keep saying you'll hangout more or talk more and there is no action to back it up, give them a concrete plan, "Okay, let's have an hour-long phone call twice a week to really make this goal a plan". Notice their actions thereafter.
Step #3 Match the level of give and take. If you are initiating EVERY conversation, always reaching out, always planning - bitch, stop. Let them come to you. If they leave you on read, then you should do the same to them.
Now I know what you're thinking "but Laura, I don't want to play games". If you matching their energy feels like you're playing mind games with them - then bitch, that means they are playing mind games with you!!!!
I remember one time I wanted to practice this point with a known breadcrumber in my life. I jokingly said to my friend "hmm, maybe I should ignore their last message, eave them on read, and then send them a meme in 12 business days". And the thought of ME doing that made me sick. It was at that point that I realized that I really needed to block this person out of my life. Because by matching their energy, I was stooping to a level much lower than what my integrity wound allow. In a situation like that, skip to step #5.
In another example, I did match a breadcrumbers give and take. Not in a manipulative way, but in an emotionally intelligent calculated way to ensure that I wasn't investing far more in the connection (which could lead to resentment). And so I started checking my phone less and would generally mirror their advancements in the relationship. Of course there were days where I'd give more and days they'd give more. But what happened in this connection was that A, I no longer felt resentful for doing all the emotional work. And B, I changed the dynamic, sending the message that the other person had to step it up more often if they want to be in communication with me. And the relationship turned out in both of our favors, with a balanced give and take and a slow, steady growth.
Sometimes people really are just used to giving more in relationships than others. Every new relationship and friendship requires an adjustment on how much we give/take. It is important to make sure that a general balance is achieved without necessarily going tick for tack. In secure and healthy new connections, the amount you give and receive will increase naturally over time. Or stay the same if you're happy where you're at and agree upon it.
Step #4 Get on the same page and establish a concrete foundation for the relationship.
Perhaps your person breadcrumbs you because they are only looking for something casual with you. If that's alright with you, then by all means agree to it and carry on.
Perhaps they breadcrumb you because they can't give you the attention and time you want/need. If that's alright with you, carry on. If not, leave. Do not try to change their mind.
Have open dialogue with your person and get on the same page. Communicate WHY they are breadcrumbing you and get to the root cause. Once you do so, you can decide where to go from there.
You are not required to stay in a relationship/friendship. Ever. You always have the freedom to decide whether or not you want to stay or go. All you can do is communicate your feelings, talk about where things are headed, and observe the other person's efforts or lack thereof.
Step #5 If all else fails, leave.
Straight up. This is how a lot of breadcrumbing relationships end up.
You DO NOT need to wait around for someone to decide if they love you, if they want to commit, or if they want to be closer. There are plenty of people who would absolutely LOVE to be in a relationships with you. There are people who would be so grateful to call you their friend.
Stop clogging your emotional bandwidth up with people who give you breadcrumbs of their attention. You deserve the whole loaf! Or atleast a sizable slice with lots of butter :p
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